Make Mine a Winner!
by Dick Dubya
Summary: During his 18th birthday, Timmy learns that his fairy godparents will stay with him forever. It is the best birthday ever! That is, until, one afternoon in the shower room, all the boys in school find out that Timmy has major SHORTcomings.
1. Chapter 1

**Make My Wiener a Winner!  
**by: Dick Dubya

_What the fuck is with the title change, you say? FF laws. They suck. Warning: Totally fucked up story coming up. Not suitable for kids. Rated I for Immature. _

One Monday evening, Timmy Turner was holed up in his bedroom, sulking the night away. He had a thick book in his hand, but he was evidently not interested to read it.

"Hey, what's up, Timmy?" Cosmo popped out of nowhere and hollered in his annoying voice, "Ooh, you got a test? What's that?" He picked up the book from Timmy's lap and read the title slowly: "Cal-cuuu-luuuuussss... Sounds boring!" Yawn. He tossed the book out the window, crashing the glass and hitting a stray cat. Nyaaaawrr!

Timmy was still unmoved.

"I know!" Cosmo suddenly had an idea. "Let's just Play Station all night long! Fight Night 75! Yeah!"

Still, no reaction.

"COSMO!" Wanda materialized behind her husband, obviously terribly cross. "What the fuck are you doing? Can't you see Timmy trying to study?" She waved her wand and poof! the calculus book was magically transported back onto Timmy's lap. Along with the angry cat, who hissed and jumped at Cosmo. Nyaaaawrr!

"Aaaah! Good kitty, noooo!" And Cosmo flew around like the retard that he is, trying to wave off the mad cat.

While Cosmo was distracted with his newfound pet, Wanda noticed that something was wrong with Timmy. "What's wrong, Timmy?" she asked concernedly.

Timmy looked up at her, first blankly... and then the tears welled in his eyes and he wailed like a baby. "WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA! Cosmo! Wanda! I'm gonna miss you! I'm not ever gonna forget you! WHHHHHAAAAAAAA!" He threw himself at Wanda and gave her a tight hug.

Unfortunately, Cosmo caught them in a tight embrace. "What the fuck are you doing to my wife, cheater! Just wait till I get this cat off-- Oh wait, I forgot, I can just teleport this kitty with my magic wand!" And, thanks to his eureka moment, Cosmo learned that he can use magic to get rid of the cat that was trying to kill him. So, he waved his magic wand and poof! the kitty magically disappeared!

"Uhm, you can also use magic to get rid of your facial lacerations..." Timmy suggested.

"Huh? What a la-re-saay-shuuun?" Cosmo asked.

"It's a deep wound, you moron!" Wanda nagged at her husband for the entifiyth time. Resigned to her fate as an idiot's wife, she moaned, "Here, just lemme do it before you get yourself into more trouble..." Poof! With a wave of Wanda's wand, Cosmo's disfiguring wounds have disappeared, leaving a fresh-looking Cosmo.

Cosmo wiped the sweat off his brow. "Phew! For a second there, I thought I was catnip. Mmm, catnip..." Then, suddenly, remembering-- "Aah! Cheater!" He started for Timmy, but Wanda blocked the way.

"Stop acting like an idiot, Cosmo! Can't you see Timmy has a problem?"

"Oh, so you're protecting him, eh? I see what this means... and you're gonna have sex with Timmy just 'coz he's got a problem, eh?" Cosmo's voice was condescending.

"I'm NOT gonna have sex with Timmy! I was just giving him a chaste embrace!"

"Yeah, you're just saying that 'coz I caught you guys red-handed. You cheater, you traitor, you... you..." The tears overflowed from Cosmo's eyes. "WHHHHHAAAAAAA! My wife cheated on meeeeee! She's gonna leave me for Timmmmyyyyyyyyyyy...."

"COSMO! Wait!" Wanda flew to her husband's side...

But Cosmo had already disappeared.

"Goddammit! That moron! Why did I have to be married to that moron?" Wanda gritted her teeth, then poofed away to look for her husband.

"Wanda, wait--" But no one was there to hear him. Timmy was alone in his room, once again. "Oh men... now who do I talk to about my problems?" Just then, as though an answer to his prayer--

Nyyyaaaaaawwrr! The cat had climbed back onto his room.

"Uh-oh... Aaaaaaaaaahhh!" And Timmy ran around and screamed as the cat came after him. "Damn it! Stupid cat! Stay away!" Of course he cannot poof the cat away. But he can wish for it. "Aaaaaah! I wish this cat was gone!"

Nothing happened.

"Aaaaaaaahh!"

Just then, his parents barged into his room, sending shards flying that stabbed the cat to death.

"Whew! Thanks, Dad."

But more trouble was brewing... "Timmy! Why on earth were you making all that noise?" scolded his mother.

"Don't you know that your mom and I are having sex and can't be disturbed?" added his father.

"Eeew, I knew that," Timmy replied.

"And since you've been a nasty bastard," said his dad, "you're grounded!"

"What the fuck-- Hey, have you forgotten--"

"Good night, Timmy! Sweet dreams!" And his parents ran to their respective bedrooms.

"-- tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday..." Geez, they always forget. He looked at the clock. 10 PM. According to "Da Rules," the official fairy rulebook, a godchild will lose and forget about his fairy godparents when he turns 18.

He stared out the window. I wonder how it's like to forget about Cosmo and Wanda, he thought to himself. The tears rolled down his cheeks. How he wished Cosmo and Wanda were here for him during the final two hours...

_(to be continued)_

* * *

_Disclaimer: Fairly OddParents is a creation of Butch Hartman. This Fairly OddParents fanfiction was written solely for entertainment purposes._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2**  
**by: Dick Dubya

_Again, plenty of nasty sexual weirdness. You've been warned._

Wanda rematerialized in Timmy's room, looking haggard and spent with mucus and tears dripping from her face.

"Gee, Wanda," said Timmy, "you look horrible!"

"I know, thanks," Wanda sneered back. "Anyway, have you seen Cosmo?"

Timmy shook his head. Wanda swooned, and fell down in a dead faint.

"Holy shit! Wandaaaaaaaaa!" Timmy screamed as he caught his fairy godmother in his arms, shook her and slapped her and pounded her head on the floor. But she refused to wake up. Frustrated, Timmy took the fishbowl and broke it over Wanda's head. Crash!

"We heard-- uhh, that, Timmy--uhh!" his parents shouted in unison from their bedrooms.

"Oww! You fucker!" Wanda's fist shot out and landed smack on Timmy's crotch.

"Oww!" Timmy complained, brushing his crotch with his hand.

Wanda's eyes widened in shock when she realized where she had hit Timmy. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit! I'm so sorry, Timmy! I didn't mean to--"

"It's okay, Wanda. I'm just glad you're fine. Besides, it didn't hurt much anyway," Timmy smiled, as he gave Wanda a hug.

"That's good... It always knocks Cosmo out whenever I hit him right there," Wanda said, very very sadly. "I thought he was gonna go back here. I've searched everywhere! But I can't find him..." And she slumped on the bed, sobbing.

"Is that so? Well, I wish Cosmo was in this room!"

Wanda raised her wand. Nothing happened.

"What the fuck--"

"It's the rules, Timmy," Wanda explained. "Fairy godparents have to work together to make a wish come true."

"Oh meeeen... That is so fuckin' difficult!" Timmy whined. "And it's all my fuckin' fault..."

"Yeah, I know..."

"Will you-- uhh-- keep that down, Timmy-- uhh, yeah, that's it... Oh, Eduardo, you have a magnificent tongue! Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh!"

"Uhm, wasn't that your dad?" Wanda inquired.

"Yeah, that was him alright," Timmy sighed resignedly.

"But I thought he was fucking your mom!"

"No, he isn't. He likes men, and mom likes dogs and dildos and--" Neeeiiighhhhhhh... "horses. They're both addicted to perverted sex." And then, suddenly, he had a brainwave. "That's it! You can get Cosmo back through sex!"

Wanda cast him a puzzled look.

"It's easy," said Timmy. "Didn't you notice? Cosmo is very insecure about sex. He thinks that you're gonna have sex with another man. So now you have to prove that you want to have sex with him, and only him. That way, the two of you can get your marriage back together."

"But how can I do that when he doesn't wanna come here in the first place?"

"That's easy!" Timmy plunked before the TV and grabbed his Play Station joystick. "Fight Night 75! Oh yeah!"

Voila! "Did someone say Fight Night 75?" Cosmo suddenly reappeared from nowhere. He was wearing a tux and tie, and looked pretty elegant for a green-haired dork.

"COSMO!" Wanda flew to her husband and gave him a hug, a kiss and a lick on the cheek. "I fucking missed you, you jerk! I spent the past hour just looking for you. Where have you been?"

"Huh? So you weren't having sex with Timmy?"

"You idiot, of course I wasn't!" Wanda pushed her husband away. "Where the fuck were you, anyway?"

Cosmo blushed sheepishly. "I was getting a makeover," he finally replied, "so you wouldn't trade me for another man. I was sooo scaaaaared..." Cosmo moaned like a helpless puppy.

"Awww, come here," Wanda embraced her husband and kissed him again. "Of course I wouldn't trade you for another. I love you, you moron."

"I love you too, Wanda." The couple sobbed in each other's arms.

"So, you wanna... you know?" Wanda said, when the two of them broke off.

"Fight Night 75?" Cosmo sped to the Play Station and grabbed another joystick.

"No, stupid!" Wanda grabbed her husband by the ear. "I mean... hot sex..." She bit her lip and swayed her hips in a sexy, seductive way. Cosmo lolled his tongue at her. "Mmm... Wanda, you so sexxxxyyy..." Boing! Cosmo's giganormous erection forced its way through, ripping his pants. And like a depraved caveman, he brutally grabbed Wanda by the waist, forced her on the wall, and proceeded to have rough sex with her.

"Hey! Not in my room, you guys!" Timmy yelled, keeping his hands over his eyes. "And what about my 18th birthday? Aren't you guys even gonna say goodbyeeee?" But his complaint fell on deaf ears. Cosmo and Wanda joined the loud orgasmic moans of Timmy's dad and Eduardo, Timmy's mom and the horses.

Too bullshitted with his bullshit night, Timmy went to bed and fell fast asleep.

And then came midnight...

_(to be continued)_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
by: Dick Dubya

_Author's note: If you've made it this far, it means you've got a taste for weirdness. Which means you're making me happy. Okay, perv, read on._

The next morning, Timmy woke up--

"Maaaan, the sun is so bright... I wonder what time it is..." He looked at the clock and "Oh em gee! It's eight-fifty! I'm already late!!! And I've got a calculus test in ten minutes!"

Timmy jumped from his bed and ran down the stairs, zooming out of the house without giving notice to his naked parents and their respective lovers.

"What the fuck was that?" said Timmy's mom.

"I dunno," said his dad, "but it sure was windy and shivery! Ooh, that gave me another erection! Fernando, suck my cock!"

"It's Eduardo," replied his macho Spanish lover.

"I'm not paying you $100 an hour to reason with me! Now suck my cock!"

Eduardo sighed resignedly. "Yes, master..."

* * *

"Good morning, high school idiots!" Professor Crocker shouted through the megaphone inside the classroom. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! The high school students screamed as the 110-decibel announcement broke their eardrums and made blood squirt from the sides of their heads. Chester fell dead in a massive brain hemorrhage, but was immediately disposed off by the diligent janitor before anyone could notice.

"Time for your 999-point calculus test! I bet none of you can pass this test... not even you, AJ smartass! Unless you got... FAIRY GOD PARENTS!" Crocker twitched epileptically as though his testicles have just been electrocuted.

"That's just 999 points," AJ muttered coolly while he rubbed his fourteen-inch black dick through his tight leather pants. "And calculus? Sheesh, that's nuthing. Easy peasy, another A for me!"

But Crocker's superhuman ears heard what AJ had just said. "Hah, let's see about that!" He went from row to row distributing a fifty-page exam questionnaire. Afterwards, he checked the wall clock. "It's now nine o' clock, according to this clock... when it shows ten o' clock, pens up, pass your papers, and get ready for your F's, fuckers! Ready, get set... FAIL!" And the students began to work feverishly on their calculus test papers.

Crocker tapped his shoes upon the floor in time with each second that passed. "One thousand and one, one thousand and two... Okay, ten o' clock, chop chop, pass your papers! F!"

The entire class moaned in complaint.

"What the fuck?" Sanjay cried out. "It's only few second after nine, we still an hour to go! See?" He pointed out the wall clock. Nine o' clock, indeed.

Crocker sneered him off. "Hah! With my almighty powers as calculus professor--" He crawled like a Spiderman to the wall clock, moved the hour hand by 30 degrees and... voila! "Ten o' clock! Pass your papers and get ready for your F's! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha HA HA!"

On cue, Timmy rushed into the room. "I'm sorry I'm late! I'm ready to take my test now!" He begged breathlessly and then glanced up at the clock and-- "Oh no, ten o' clock?" He looked at his watch. 9:05. "Oh em gee, even my watch is late! What do I do what do i do WHATDOIDO?" Timmy nibbled his nails in panic.

"Oooohh... someone is early for tomorrow... Turner!" Crocker grinned condescendingly at the gangly teenage boy. "Too bad, you missed the exam. If you were only here a few minutes earlier, I would have allowed you to take the exam... but no. Your classmates are already passing their papers. Too bad. It's already ten o' clock, and no one can turn back time. Not unless you summoned your... FAIRY GOD PARENTS!"

That testicle-electrocution epileptic shit again. Timmy wondered if Crocker would ever end his obsession with fairy godparents--

What the-- Timmy still remembered his fairy godparents! Cosmo and Wanda, the wishes, their friendship, the great times...

"Yes! Yes! Yahoooo!" Timmy jumped up and down ecstatically. "I remember! I still remember!" And he ran out of the classroom, leaving his classmates extremely puzzled.

"Something is seriously wrong with that guy..." remarked Trixie Tang.

"No shit," Veronica added. "But he's still kinda cute, in a Tobey Maguire way."

"Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww..." The entire class barfed in their seats.

Veronica quipped in annoyance, "What the hell--"

"F!" Professor Crocker slammed a reddened test paper on her desk. He jumped gleefully from one row to another, distributing "F! F! F! F! F!" to everyone, and "Holy shit! A+ for AJ?" Crocker couldn't believe his eyes. The test was answered perfectly!

"Told ya," AJ chuckled triumphantly as he stroked his large cock with his hand.

"What the hell, hold on," Crocker glanced around with a reptilian glare. "Turneeeer... he slipped out without notice. I'll get my hands on that boy next time and his-- FAIRIES!"

Too much testicle electrocution for one day. Cocker fell down, half-dead, and the entire class threw a party.

* * *

Meanwhile, Timmy Turner was already rushing home in the middle of the morning, very excited that he didn't forget about his fairy godparents. "This is superb! I'm now 18, and I haven't forgotten my fairy godparents! This is the best birthday ever!" He ran straight to his room, without giving notice to his perverted parents having an orgy with a couple of dogs in the kitchen.

"Cosmo! Wanda! I'm 18, and I still remember you! Guys!"

But the fishbowl was gone. _Oh shit, do I lose them?_ Timmy fell to the floor on his knees. To remember his fairy godparents AND lose them... he felt that was even worse. "Cosmo... Wanda... I'll never forget you... I'll never, ever forget you!!!"

"Why the fuck are you crying?"

Timmy turned to see the source of the annoying voice. "Cosmo! You're still here!" He jumped to his fairy godfather and gave him a reaaaaaaal tight hug.

"Ah! Cooties!" Cosmo screamed in panic. "Oh wait... Boys don't give cooties... Wheeeee! You skipped class! How was the calculus test?"

"Screw that exam," said Timmy indifferently. "What matters is you're still here! And I'm 18! I just broke Da Rules! Where's Wanda anyway?"

"Oh, Wanda," Cosmo blushed. "She's in the Fairy World, recovering from our night of hot rough sex."

"That's good. What happened to the fishbowl anyway?"

"You broke it over my head, remember?" Wanda reappeared, looking haggard and spent.

"Wanda!" Timmy almost gave her a hug but, remembering the confusion during the previous night, just gave her a pat on the shoulder.

"We're still here for you, sport," Wanda said as she returned the friendly pat. "Always."

"But I thought Da Rules said that I was gonna lose you guys when I turn 18," Timmy asked. "Why? Did something just happen?"

"Well... " Wanda hummed reluctantly. "I'm sorry, kiddo, but we can't tell you that," she finally said to break the silence.

"What? Why? I thought there weren't supposed to be any secrets among us!" Timmy gasped in indignation.

"Because... because... well... we're here, you remember us, isn't that enough?!" It was Wanda's turn to be angry.

"Uh-oh, I'm outta here!" And Cosmo poofed into his golf costume and was gone in a wink.

"Uhm, okay... sorry Wanda..." But though Timmy was very happy with not losing his fairy godparents, he still can't help wondering why...

_(to be continued)_

* * *

_Slow progress. Well, at least we now know that Timmy didn't forget his fairy godparents. I wrote the fanfiction while the boss ain't looking. Yeah, FF is better than work, you corporate fuckers._

_Once again, to be continued (dun-dun-dun-DUUUUN!)_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
by: Dick Dubya

Timmy returned to class that afternoon. He beamed with glee as he walked the halls with a careless smile and swagger, inciting whispers of harsh gossip around. But he didn't care. He was just too damned happy that Cosmo and Wanda were still with his 18-year-old self. He slung his sports bag on his shoulder, then pushed his way into the male locker room.

"What the fuck?! What happened to the walls?"

The male locker room had lost its dividing walls. Where the individual private shower cabins once were, there was now one large communal shower room.

"Hey, Timmy," said AJ, who was soaping his large black penis, "you're late for P.E."

"Why are you guys bathing?" Timmy squeaked.

"We're having swimming this term," AJ replied. He rinsed the soap off his thick curly pubic bush. "Remember? And no one is allowed into the pool without a good bath."

"And what happened to the walls?"

"Crocker had them torn down. We needed to sell the marble to pay off operating expenses."

"Oh. Fucking recession."

"Never mind that, Timmy," Sanjay grinned as he absentmindedly fondled his own balls. "Come here, let us shower." His ten-inch brown dick bounced into a rock-hard erection.

"Uhm... never mind," Timmy said uneasily. _Creepy gay dude. _He walked past Sanjay, then felt a light tap on his butt. Timmy swallowed his saliva in anxiety, but walked on. Occupying a place far from the other guys, he reluctantly took off his clothes, except his underwear, and began to wash his body with water.

A piece of soap hit his head from behind. "Hey! Who the hell--!" Timmy turned his head to glare at the culprit.

Sanjay shrugged his shoulders innocently, beaming a wide smile. "Just notice you got no soap with you. You can use that, I just used it." He dug into his sports bag. "You can even borrow my swim trunk, if you forget." He pulled out a pair of tight swimming shorts -- hot pink dotted with yellow smilies. Timmy reeled in disgust.

"Hey, Turner," a burly gray arm slinked around his lanky shoulder.

"He-he-heeeey... Francis..." Timmy stammered. His heart rate shot up to twice as fast, and he cast a nervous grin at the large school bully. Gasps were heard from around the pair.

"Why are you showering in your underwear?" Francis grinned, showing his yellowing teeth. "Are you afraid we're gonna see a pussy down there?"

"Oh, Timmy," Sanjay hollered from the background, "are you actually a girl? If you are, I still love you forever and ever, my darling Timmy! We will get married, and have babies, and grandbabies--"

"Shut up, freako!" Francis picked up a piece of soap and threw it back at Sanjay, knocking the gay dude from his daydreaming.

"Aren't we both in our underwear, Francis?" Timmy remarked without thinking, trying to sound tough and brave. He then quickly sensed that he had made a fatal mistake.

Francis glanced down at the large mound on his black boxers and sneered. "Hey, no problem," and, before anything could be said, Francis reached for Timmy's brief garters and pulled down his tidy whities.

Timmy froze where he was. Everybody froze where they were. Sanjay fell to his knees. And then Francis broke the silence. "Ha! Your penis is so tiny! Oh, AJ, you got a microscope that I can borrow?"

"Right here, Francis." AJ handed a microscope to the bully.

"Gee, thanks!" Francis gave him a kick, which AJ was able to dodge very well.

"Wow," Timmy gushed. "Is that aikido?"

"Yup," AJ replied.

"Bet you can't do that," Francis said. "Now where was I? Oh, yes." He positioned the microscope lens at Timmy's crotch. "Gee, even with this microscope, I still cannot see your penis! It's so... what word was I looking for again? Oh yeah, microscopic. Your penis is microscopic. Ha ha!"

_You just don't know how to use a microscope, dumbo. _Still, Timmy felt hot all over. He glanced at everyone else, hoping for some help and sympathy, but he could clearly see the giggles forming in their lips. They all had great bodies, with penises at least eight inches in relaxed length. He looked down at his own crotch, and felt even more embarrassed at his own comparison.

He then turned to Francis, and mustered all of his anger. "And what about you, Francis? Why don't _you_ take off your underwear?"

"He he, sure." Francis pulled down his own boxers to reveal a penis that rivaled AJ's in length, but was about twice as thick. "Looks like you lose the game, loser." He grabbed a camera from his bag and took a picture of Timmy in all his naked micropenis glory. "I wonder what the girls will think when they see your photo. Hmm, who do I show it to first? Trixie Tang? Oh wait, I got a better idea! Why don't I make money from this off the Internet?"

By now, the rest of the boys couldn't keep themselves from laughing. Timmy strained to keep himself from sobbing; it would _definitely_ make him look sissier if he did cry. He wanted to wish himself out, but he couldn't. So all he could say was "Fuck you, Francis!"

"Bet you can't do that!" Francis remarked. "Get it? Ha ha!"

"HAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!" Everyone laughed and cheered because they all had very big penises.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Timmy screamed in panic and ran around the shower room, and ran out of the shower room... and in his haste and shame he forgot that he wasn't wearing anything, and he ran past everyone in the corridors, and out the school gates.

"Damn," said Trixie Tang, "what the hell was that?"

"I don't know," said Veronica, "but it sounded arousing! My pussy feels wet."

"Really?" Trixie batted her eyelashes in a sultry manner.

"Uh-huh." Veronica looked into Trixie's eyes, and dropped her books. She grabbed her friend by the head, and gave her a long deep kiss.

"Ooh, that is hot! I bet I can make money from this off the Internet!" " said Principal Waxelplax, as she pointed a digital videocam at the two girls making out.

_(to be continued)_


End file.
